I was in the prayer room during the first day of a fast. Wall covered with huge white sheets of paper intended for patrons to write their thoughts. One such writing caught my attention right away; a list called “40 Prophetic Sins Requiring Repentance”. I thought to myself, “Cool, a scorecard to see how well I’m doing”. I began to read through the list wondering if I would be able to find myself guilty of any of these sins. Surely this list was for the less mature Christian…
As I began to get deeper into the list, my expectation of an excellent report was turning into inner panic for a hope of simply obtaining a “passing grade”. I felt like a kid in grade school getting hit with a pop quiz on material that was never studied. I didn’t have to finish the list to know that I was doomed to fall way under my expectations.
An even worse thought entered my head – I was failing God too!
I wanted to argue, but how can you plead your case with a list on a piece of paper? I was left to soak in the feelings that come with a convicted heart. My final analysis led to one conclusion – O, what a wretched man am I. While I was left to ponder this, God was in the background setting the stage for part two of his revelation for me.
Later that day, I was reading my devotional My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. I was a day behind so I had to read two days worth of material to catch up. I don’t believe that it was a coincidence that both lessons focused on what I had just experienced in the prayer room just hours before.
The devotional entry for January 4th is entitled “Why Cannot I Follow Thee Now?” taking from scripture John 13:37 when Peter wanted to follow Jesus to His death. Oswald starts off by stating,
“There are times when you cannot understand why you cannot do what you want to do.”
This is exactly how I felt after viewing that list on the wall.
Mr. Chambers continues, ‘Peter’s declaration “I will lay down my life for Thy sake”, was honest but ignorant. Jesus answered him… “The cock shall not crow, till thou hast denied Me thrice”, showing that Jesus knew Peter even better than Peter knew himself.
Can you imagine how Peter must have felt when he realized what he had done after he heard the cock crow? Not only did he let himself down, he let his Savior down too!
After reading the first devotional entry, I felt as if God were rubbing it in as Oswald ended with, ‘Natural devotion may be all very well to attract us to Jesus, to make us feel His fascination, but it will never make us disciples. Natural devotion will always deny Jesus somewhere or other.’
I cringed when I realized that naturally I could never overcome all the areas on that list. I hit an all time low when I began to think that a list of 40 items was nowhere conclusive. What began as a proud and righteous voyage was turning into a disaster of Titanic proportions!
Struck down, but not destroyed I continued on to the January 5th entry entitled “The Afterwards of the Life of Power”. Oswald writes, ‘Between these times Peter had denied Jesus with oaths and curses, he had come to the end of himself and all his self-sufficiency, there was not one strand of himself he would ever rely upon again, and in his destitution he was in a fit condition to receive an impartation from the risen Lord.’ Shortly afterwards as scripture records, ‘Jesus breathed on Peter and said, “Receive ye the Holy Ghost”.’
After reading this, my take on the situation suddenly changed dramatically. I realized God was showing me something vital by using a prayer room list and a daily devotion. God was telling me that I needed Him! What an amazing revelation! I am amazed that such a basic truth could become so alive to me! I had probably read, even repeated this truth hundreds of times. I had become the proud recipient of the revelation of how truly ignorant I am. And the weird thing is that in the end, I liked it! Try to explain that one!
How wonderful that God doesn’t just point to our problems but he provides provision! God showed me how useless I am and because of that fact I desperately need the power of the Holy Spirit to accomplish anything at all for Him. I realize that God must take us on a trip where we cannot rely on ourselves for any good work but rather the Holy Spirit that dwells in us. My Titanic disaster led me to rely less in myself and more in Jesus. I hope I make this voyage often.
