http://www.firstgiving.com/julieblauvelt

$335,000,000 dollars for STD prevention? Are you kidding me? What else have these liberal oligarchs thrown into the economic stimulus package that we don’t know about? While Pelosi, Reid and Obama are at it, they had better throw in some cash for anger management classes because that is what this circus is going to create – a bunch of irate Americans! And I am one of them.

Do they have any idea how much $335 million dollars is? On Youtube.com, I watched interviews as Pelosi smugly described how STD prevention and the reduction of children were needed for stimulus of the American economy. Sounds a bit like the beginnings of Nazi America.

Is Pelosi out of her mind? Does she think we are mindless, ignorant lemmings simply following her leadership as she walks us over the cliff?

I’ve got a better idea how to spend $335 million. Give me the $335 million and I’ll start a new school where bright men and women of character are chosen from around the nation to attend for free. Here at Common Sense University, these humble and dedicated folks will be taught to legislate exactly opposite from the current Congress.

Upon earning their degrees, this army will be strategically placed in campaigns around the country to run against those in Washington who use government to exalt their own agendas of social engineering over the good of their constituents. With any luck, we’ll totally replace Capitol Hill. Now that’s $335 million well spent!

Back to reality.  Rather than use common sense, the architects of this nasty stimulus plan are using the economic crisis as a smoke screen for funding their social agendas; in this case that agenda is population reduction.  This gross misallocation of funds speaks loud and clear to the Americans without jobs: “Sorry, we don’t have a job for you, but here is a free condom. Now go home and don’t make any kids as they are a burden on our economy.” Can anyone else feel the bile creeping to the top of their throat?

Well, I for one have had enough. And I hope my fellow Americans are awakening from their apathetic sleep as well; arming themselves with their votes and influence to throw these clowns out of Washington as we collectively shout, ““Don’t let the door hit you in the keester on your way out!”

From this day on, let us resolve not to complain about this problem of the thieves, crooks and dishonorable men and women amongst us. Rather let us place people of character in office who won’t hesitate to impeach stupidity or criminality. Let’s vow never to let folks like Pelosi and Reid get comfortable spending our money. Let’s show them we are not the lemmings they take us for.

You simply MUST read this!!!

History doesn’t lie!  On this first one, please note the date (Sept. 3, 1999 – Bill Clinton’s reign) and it’s “Prophetic” words

http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9C0DE7DB153EF933A0575AC0A96F958260&sec=&spon=&pagewanted=1

From Orson Scott Card – A Democrat!!!

http://www.ldsmag.com/ideas/081017light.html

The Bible makes is clear that murder is wrong and that conception is the beginning of life.  Conception occurs the moment the egg is fertilized.

Read Genesis 38.  I won’t recite to you all the details of this facinating story, but suffice to say that Judah slept with his daughter-in-law Tamar.  Note verses 18 and 19:

Genesis 38:18-19 (KJV)
^{18 …} and came in unto her (as in sperm), and she conceived by him.
¹⁹ And she arose, and went away, and laid by her vail from her, and put on the garments of her widowhood.

See the order in which this happened?

1) He came into her

2) She conceived

3) She arose and went away

So we see a child is conceived instantly.  Before she got up and went away she had conceived.

The Bible put emphasis on conception.  In Luke 1:31 the angel says to Mary, “And behold, thou shall conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and shall call His name Jesus.”

Now consider this.  The Bible makes it clear that we are made in the image of God and that all people are born with a plan that God has for them.

This doesn’t change just because someone is born with Down’s syndrome.

We are are made to bring our Heavenly Father glory and He delights in us no matter what we look like or what is wrong with us physically.

1 Cor 2:9 – “Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, Nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.”

Psalm 139:13 – “For you (Lord) did form my inward parts; You (Lord) did knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Jer 29:11 – “For I know the thoughts I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a hope and a future.”

A hope!  A future!

This scripture shows that God’s plan for us doesn’t include abortion.

Abortion is without hope! Without future!

To those who are thinking about having abortion – Please consider that God has a plan for you and your baby.  No matter what your situation or circumstances, there is a way.  Someone is waiting to help you and show you the love of Jesus.  You can receive help through the whole process of pregnancy, birth and what comes afterward.

There are programs in your area that can help you have and raise children or even help you put them up for adoption.  When there is a will, there is a way!

I urge you – Give your baby life!

To those who have had abortion -  I’ve had the chance to talk with many women who have had abortions and ALL of them have dealt with deep emotional wounds.

God created us to make life, not take it.  Something deep inside every woman who has aborted her child knows this.

You are probably expecting me to beat you down with words like “sinner” and “murderer”.

That assumption is wrong. Instead I bring good news!

I write this to let you know there is hope of restoration! Forgiveness, peace, love and life can be restored to you!

Even Jesus didn’t come to condemn you – but that through Him you could be saved and have abundant life.

Peace beyond measure!

If you have not accepted Jesus Christ as your Savior, seek Him day and night until He reveals Himself to you.

Don’t delay!

If you don’t know how, find a local bible-believing Christian church and talk to the pastor.  Or a Christian friend.  If you have no one, send me an email and I’ll help you any way I can.  In Jesus Christ, you will find forgiveness, restoration and freedom.   May God bless you.  Email me at cudweeds@gmail.com

So many wasted years… or were they?  God redeems our mistakes.  Our lost time.   Our foolish decisions.  But at a cost… God will not be mocked, man shall reap what he sows.

Oh, how I long to have some of those years back… perhaps not even the years, but the decisions that I made; the seeds that I sowed.

But God is faithful.  Even in my licentiousness, he was there all along, pushing me away from death, ensuring I would find life and have it more abundantly.  Oh my Lord and Savior!  I owe a debt that I cannot repay.  Try as I may, my efforts are largely in vain.  I am starting to learn that you don’t want me to repay you; rather you are interested in the offering of myself as a sacrifice upon the altar of praise.

Who am I to argue with you, O living God, creator of all that was, and is and is to come?  Yet I do.  I talk myself out of that which you have accomplished and ordained.  Why do I do this?

O God, I am made of dirt, and many times I act the part; belittling what you have done; not in spoken word against it, but in the mere action of not accepting it.  You call me forgiven, yet I call myself a sinner.  You called me healed, yet I say that I am sick.

When will I begin to look like Jesus?  When will I begin to see in me what you say is in me?

I believe what your word says.  Doesn’t this constitute a mustard seed?  If so, why aren’t the mountains moving?  Why do I still struggle with strongholds in my life?

It is true: your goodness and mercy surround me always. I want to see you glorified. I want to see you.  I want to see your power and strength overcome my enemies.  I want to see you moving as told in the stories of old.

Why have I grown cold?

I can’t earn my way to you, it is a free gift.  I am able to come to the throne because of my faith in the work that your Son performed on the cross.

Why is prayer dead to me?  Why is worship dead to me?  Why is fasting dead to me?

Have I sold my inheritance?

If so, strike me now God!  I have not other reason for life!  If I can not live my purpose out here then have mercy on me and take my life.  Have I messed up your will for my life?  Have my bad decisions taken me off the path of righteousness?

Help me stay the course, run the race, pray fervently.  Help me stay in Your word.  Help me find the will and power for these things.

You tell me to walk my salvation with fear and trembling – I don’t know how!  Show me that I may please you.

Give me fear and trembling!

Don’t let me throw my life away.  Don’t let me fail to serve your purposes for me.  Lord, without you stepping into my life in a big way, I fear that I may…

I don’t know any other thing to do but to ask you to seriously intervene.  I am scared to obey – my flesh rebels.  I can’t find the will to do what I know I need most!  Help me, I am drowning in me…

I am not content with my life.  Lord, let this year be one of significant life change.  Deliver me from myself!  Save me from bad decisions!  Don’t let me get away with rebellion but burn it from me.  God, help me!

Let me be a light.  Let me be chosen, not just called.  God, take the most destructive thoughts and beliefs and destroy them from me.  Let me be in alignment with what it takes for a more abundant life.  Grant me wisdom and revelation so that I may know you better!

Lord, this is my prayer.  Prepare me to live the best years of my life.  Let me impact the world around me with your light and life.  Let me have something so that I may give.  Take my pride away.  Anguish me until the dross is gone.

All inventions are created to serve a purpose. With Christ at the helm of our lives, we can rest in steadfast assurance knowing we will fulfill that which we are created to accomplish. If we make the willful choice to rule ourselves thus ignoring God’s plan, we miss the very purpose of our existence!

We must seek to find. Seeking means that we don’t have the answers and we acknowledge He does. Seeking means we are active in our pursuit of finding the truth and purpose for our life. Jesus said, “I am the truth”.  Truth is found in Christ.

It is truly exciting to know that the Creator of heaven and earth offers a plan for our lives – plans that are challenging beyond anything we ever dreamed possible, but reward us to the extent blessings overflow. In this, our greatest reward is not found in the blessing we receive, but in the blessing others receive by us!

I am overwhelmed that God almighty took the time to seek me out as I was hiding! The scripture “God is Love” (1 John 4:16) can’t possibly be fully understood. His love stretches beyond our feeble comprehension.

For all the times I messed up and turned my back on Him, He never turned on me. Even when I had given up on myself, He didn’t give up on me. Even when I wanted Him to give up on me, He never left me.

Even when I drove the nails that pierced His hands, He didn’t give up on me.

It could have been you with the hammer and nail that day, it could have been me… his love wouldn’t have changed. His love and acceptance for us is unconditional. Tragically, many never face God because they feel He doesn’t want them, however this is simply not true. The issue has never been in Him wanting us, rather in us wanting Him.

He exhibited such love on the cross that day even the skeptical, cold-blooded killer of a Roman centurion exclaimed as he watched Jesus die, “Surely this man was the Son of God”! (Mark 15:39)  Rest assured this Roman didn’t make such a statement in confusion of the moment. He had seen many die by method of the cross. The difference between how men die and how God died compels me to believe in the same fashion it convinced that elite Roman soldier close to 2000 years ago.

Just think it through – it had to be God on that cross! Human flesh could not have exhibited the love Jesus displayed as he cried, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing”. (Luke 23:34) If not for the Spirit of Christ that dwells in me I would have difficulty forgiving someone of a small offense – let alone asking God to forgive the person who just nailed me to a tree!

The bible says God cares about us so greatly that even the hairs on our head are numbered! (Matt 10:30)  Let the reality of that sink in – Selah (quietly meditate this truth).  We are His passion! He wants to be ours too; not by force but by love.

Consider one of my favorites verses:

Romans 8:38-39

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

As such, I am compelled to bow a knee before my King, not out of dutiful obligation as many may speculate, but rather out of an intense desire to return the love that Christ first showed me. In this, a personal relationship with Him is achieved and I The Invention find my created purpose.  For in Him I live, and move and have my being.

I was in the prayer room during the first day of a fast.  Wall covered with huge white sheets of paper intended for patrons to write their thoughts.  One such writing caught my attention right away; a list called “40 Prophetic Sins Requiring Repentance”.  I thought to myself, “Cool, a scorecard to see how well I’m doing”.  I began to read through the list wondering if I would be able to find myself guilty of any of these sins.  Surely this list was for the less mature Christian…

As I began to get deeper into the list, my expectation of an excellent report was turning into inner panic for a hope of simply obtaining a “passing grade”.  I felt like a kid in grade school getting hit with a pop quiz on material that was never studied.  I didn’t have to finish the list to know that I was doomed to fall way under my expectations.

An even worse thought entered my head – I was failing God too!

I wanted to argue, but how can you plead your case with a list on a piece of paper?  I was left to soak in the feelings that come with a convicted heart.  My final analysis led to one conclusion – O, what a wretched man am I.  While I was left to ponder this, God was in the background setting the stage for part two of his revelation for me.

Later that day, I was reading my devotional My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers.  I was a day behind so I had to read two days worth of material to catch up.  I don’t believe that it was a coincidence that both lessons focused on what I had just experienced in the prayer room just hours before.

The devotional entry for January 4th is entitled “Why Cannot I Follow Thee Now?” taking from scripture John 13:37 when Peter wanted to follow Jesus to His death.  Oswald starts off by stating,

“There are times when you cannot understand why you cannot do what you want to do.”

This is exactly how I felt after viewing that list on the wall.

Mr. Chambers continues, ‘Peter’s declaration “I will lay down my life for Thy sake”, was honest but ignorant.  Jesus answered him… “The cock shall not crow, till thou hast denied Me thrice”, showing that Jesus knew Peter even better than Peter knew himself.

Can you imagine how Peter must have felt when he realized what he had done after he heard the cock crow?  Not only did he let himself down, he let his Savior down too!

After reading the first devotional entry, I felt as if God were rubbing it in as Oswald ended with, ‘Natural devotion may be all very well to attract us to Jesus, to make us feel His fascination, but it will never make us disciples.  Natural devotion will always deny Jesus somewhere or other.’

I cringed when I realized that naturally I could never overcome all the areas on that list.  I hit an all time low when I began to think that a list of 40 items was nowhere conclusive.  What began as a proud and righteous voyage was turning into a disaster of Titanic proportions!

Struck down, but not destroyed I continued on to the January 5th entry entitled “The Afterwards of the Life of Power”.  Oswald writes, ‘Between these times Peter had denied Jesus with oaths and curses, he had come to the end of himself and all his self-sufficiency, there was not one strand of himself he would ever rely upon again, and in his destitution he was in a fit condition to receive an impartation from the risen Lord.’  Shortly afterwards as scripture records, ‘Jesus breathed on Peter and said, “Receive ye the Holy Ghost”.’

After reading this, my take on the situation suddenly changed dramatically.  I realized God was showing me something vital by using a prayer room list and a daily devotion.  God was telling me that I needed Him!  What an amazing revelation!  I am amazed that such a basic truth could become so alive to me!  I had probably read, even repeated this truth hundreds of times.  I had become the proud recipient of the revelation of how truly ignorant I am.  And the weird thing is that in the end, I liked it!  Try to explain that one!

How wonderful that God doesn’t just point to our problems but he provides provision!  God showed me how useless I am and because of that fact I desperately need the power of the Holy Spirit to accomplish anything at all for Him.  I realize that God must take us on a trip where we cannot rely on ourselves for any good work but rather the Holy Spirit that dwells in us.  My Titanic disaster led me to rely less in myself and more in Jesus.  I hope I make this voyage often.

One great asset given to us by God to assist in living successful and abundant lives is the gift of relationships.

Relationships are important beyond what many people realize.  Throughout the Bible we are shown example after example of relationships.  Genesis 2:18 tells us God made Adam a companion because it was not good that man was alone.

Later in the good book we see other unforgettable relationships such as the covenant relationship between David and Jonathan and the father-son relationship of Paul and Timothy.  These relationships give us good example of how important it is that we have close bonds with one another. 

My favorite examples of relationships in the Bible are the relationships that God had with man.  He walked in the Garden of Eden with Adam, spoke with Moses, inhabited the praises of David and communed with Jesus while he was in human flesh.  Today, He offers the same relationship to all who will accept it.  For me, it has been the best relationship I could have dreamed of – he is truly a friend closer than a brother.

But it hasn’t always been that way.  Through multiple relationship failures including a divorce that left my heart and mind severely scarred, my ability to get close to people was largely damaged.  Try as I may, my defense mechanisms kept people at a safe distance – close enough to benefit from what they had to offer yet far enough away to be in control and within close range of an escape exit if things got too scary.

I finally realized that the emotional baggage and scars from so many relationships-gone-bad were keeping me from having intimate relationships of any real worth.  It was as if a good chunk of my heart was missing and as such I was able to use or hurt others without really feeling too much pain myself.  I was quite numb.

Not until I received a healed heart from God did I truly understand the terrible cycle I was in.  I learned by experience that the scars from past relationships created new relationships prone to failure or at least ones that were unable to function in the capacity in which God intended them to function.  I now understand why my heart was one of the first things God healed in me when I gave my life fully to Him. 

I also understand why relationships are one of Satan’s number one targets.  If he can destroy one marriage, family or friendship it will have a domino effect on everyone who later enters into a relationship with the damaged person.  As a damaged heart enters into a relationship with another and given enough time, the damage will spread to encompass those involved. 

Through the trauma endured, the heart becomes jaded and insecurity results. Once a heart is damaged, a person will be altered in their actions as they attempt to relate to others.  It could be that a person becomes independent and defensive by putting up walls, not allowing closeness, lacking intimacy or being quick to flight.  Perhaps another person becomes dependent and needy, quickly becoming involved in relationships, giving their hearts fully and quickly, not leaving an abusive relationship or fearful of the person whom they love will walk out on them.  Whatever the insecurity, rest assured that is it not a healthy one. 

Insecurity in a person will eventually surface in a relationship.  Mild insecurity may not have much detrimental effect but if insecurity is more than mild it can have nasty and bitter repercussions to all parties involved.

Most counseling techniques and self-help methods I have seen assist their audience by teaching how to cope, react, deal with and respond to problems that arise from insecurities.  Major symptoms are even treated with a variety of potent drugs, which usually have some undesirable side effects. 

I have yet to find a self-help book or counseling technique that claims to lead to healing of these emotional wounds.  And how could they?  To fix such problems would equate to altering a person’s psyche, and little is known about it, let alone how to manipulate it.  Perhaps a shrink can help lessen the symptoms, but the problems are never fully alleviated. 

I tried to find healing for quite some time. From RET (rational emotive therapy) philosophy, positive thinking to alcohol and other, I have attempted and failed.  I was forced to accept my position of insecurity and learned to cope as best I could.  I even learned to act normal – to smile, care and encourage when necessary.  I have found many people who were good at coping just like me, fellows with failure, low self esteem and insecurities abound.

I believe insecurities left from dysfunctional relationships are epidemic in proportion.  Every adult and child that goes through a divorce, every person verbally, physical or sexually abused, every person who’s trust was betrayed most likely has issues that hamper healthy relationships.  Additionally, further issues result.  Drug use to numb the pain, violence, sexual perversion, suicide, and abuse of all kinds – the list could go on and on. 

There are two types of people that I want to write to – those innocent souls who want to avoid the mess I have described and those who want to be healed because they have experienced what I am speaking about.

Proverbs 4:23 tell us, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.“  Our heart is where our life springs from.  If the water is tainted or polluted, so shall our life be as well. 

To guard our heart means to protect it from harm or to defend it.  Obviously, if we are instructed to guard our hearts that must mean an enemy exists who wants to destroy or conquer it.  We must be wise in whom we allow our hearts to supp with.  Philippians 4:6 states, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.“

This scripture provides the answer that you are looking for and it is simple to understand.  Put down the self-help book, discard the well-meaning advice of family and friends and adhere to the truth in the Word of God. 

For those are already tarnished in some manner, you must be touched and healed by the hand of God for only He has the ability to heal the heart.  Psalms 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds“.  Put away your self-help books and quit looking to other humans for advice and counsel – only God can heal the broken heart. 

Matthew 13:15 states, “For this people’s heart has grown dull, and with their ears they can barely hear, and their eyes they have closed, lest they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears and understand with their heart and turn, and I would heal them.“

I went to church for some time, but I didn’t really commit my life to God until one day I realized that what was preached made sense but I was merely rejecting it – my eyes that didn’t see and ears that didn’t hear were finally opened and it was then I got on my knees and told God that I was his no matter what.  God then began a healing process in my heart, which continues to this today. 

The results weren’t immediate, but they did come.  Today, the major pieces of my heart have been fully healed and my ability to have a meaningful and intimate relationship has been restored.  The healing I sought after so long on my own was finally came with a true commitment to Jesus Christ.

 I called him the ghost that walked.  He had an uncanny ability to suddenly disappear.  I would search high and low for him; down by the ink-stained printing presses over to the news room and out the door to the spot he was likely to be found – the smoking area.  Sometimes he would disappear and no matter how intently I searched, he could not be found.  Ray was my boss.  Together we worked to keep the newspaper in business by maintaining their aging computer systems. 

             I had been working the job for almost a year and had proven my worth many times over by fixing the ‘unfixable’, so when he first stepped foot into the technical services department, he was entering my turf, or so I thought.  His blonde hair was just about the only remaining witness that at some time in the distant past he may have been youthful.  His walk was soft but his handshake firm.  He sized me up through soft, pale-blue eyes.  I too sized him up and wrote him off as an old guy who wouldn’t keep up.

It wasn’t long before I was proven wrong. About a week after our first meeting, a computer died in the telemarketing department so Ray and I went to check it out.  It was an old, dust-covered IBM used by employees who phoned local residents in their attempts to peddle subscriptions.  The room was empty except for Ray, myself and the handy toolkit filled with screwdrivers, wire cutters and other tools of the trade.  After tinkering around for the better part of an hour, I developed what I considered an excellent plan for restoring life to the ailing piece of junk.  I explained the plan to Ray.  To my surprise he told me to hold off until we could call for help the next day. 

            What?  Didn’t this guy know who I was?  Hadn’t he heard of all the times I resurrected these hopeless machines back to life?  I decided to argue with him, which was a bad mistake.  Ray made it clear in no uncertain terms that we were going to do things his way.  I left work that day discouraged and distraught.  Looking back on that experience, I now realize that Ray didn’t doubt my ability to fix the problem but he was illustrating a skill far more necessary and useful than working on a computer; he had set out to teach me patience. 

            I was nineteen when this wise, old teacher began the daunting task of converting a boy into a man.  Even though I was considered an adult, what remained in me was youthful inexperience and undeveloped character.  I was a coal that Ray was determined to press into a diamond.  After raising eleven kids, he was well qualified for the job and over the next five years I somehow managed to become his twelfth. 

            On one particular day an important computer crashed.  I remember working thirty-two hours straight (except for two hours I slept under my desk) trying to fix the system.  Ray, to my bewilderment, was there with me the whole time never skipping a beat.  After fixing the issue, I looked around for the ghost that walks, and he wasn’t there.  I decided it would be a good time for a quick smoke.  Half unconscious, I wandered outside to the smoking area and must have fallen asleep while sitting at the table. 

            “Thomas!”  Ray’s voice came gruff and loud piercing my darkness.  “Quit slacking off and get your lazy butt back to work!”  Although the computer was fixed, we still had some testing to perform.  I groggily replied.  “Ah, come on Ray!  I’ve been here thirty-two hours and I can hardly keep my eyes opened.  In fact, I was thinking about getting out of here for awhile.”  “The heck you are”, he countered tersely.  “You’re not leaving me here high and dry to finish this all by myself.”  I slowly pushed myself up and followed him back inside cursing under my breath the whole way.  Through times like these, I developed a great deal of respect for the old man.  He never asked me to do something if he wasn’t leading the way.  This made me want to work for him and I did to the best of my ability.

            Ray was gruff, even cantankerous, and from time-to-time he would get very upset.  I chalked it up to raising eleven kids and then getting stuck with me.  When I would upset him, he usually didn’t have to say anything.  All he would do was give me the look, that piercing look.  It was my cue to cool it.  His eyes would often reflect his mood, and I became an expert at reading him.  From early on in the relationship I noticed something else in the windows to his soul; something deep, unpleasant, unspoken, indecipherable.  It wouldn’t be until later that I learned of the horrors he witnessed in Korea and Vietnam. 

            I am certain that dodging bullets made him tough.  But Ray also loved very deeply.  Often, he would invite me to his home for a drink or to watch a football game.  Ray was from Colorado and was a huge Denver Broncos fan.  He spoke of John Elway as if he was a close, personal friend.  We would always sit in his living room, kicking back on recliners so large they could be mistaken as beds. 

His wife Myra would serve us rum and coke mixed so strongly we found ourselves slurring by half time.  I would sit back quietly like a fly on the wall and watch Ray relate to his wife.  Oh how he loved her!  I would watch this drill sergeant turned into a child by her mere presence.  She was his soul mate and their love is the stuff of legends and fairy tales.

            He loved me too. Not in the same way he loved Myra mind you, but as father loves his son.  I know this, because even though it is difficult for many men to say such words, occasionally he would express them to me:  “I love you son.  I’m proud of you.”  “I love you too Ray.” 

            The day I quit my job was one of the most difficult days in all my life.  I had found a huge promotion that I couldn’t pass up.  I remember typing a letter of resignation in tears.  My new job would relocate me to St. Louis, far enough away that I wouldn’t be able to visit Ray all that often.  He was sitting in his office which was in a small, shared room without windows.  He had a cube partitioned off by thin walls which offered him little privacy from me or the rest of his employees.  I walked in and sat down on the chair reserved for visitors.  He took one look at me and said, “Ah heck.  What’s wrong Thomas?”  “Well Ray, I, uh, I…”  I couldn’t find the words although they had been rehearsed a hundred times. 

Finally, the strength I needed arrived.  “Ray, I am resigning.”  His reply was quite obscene and I won’t repeat it.  He then looked at me and I saw the tears filling his eyes. 

            “Thomas, it’s been a pleasure.  I’ve always told you to get out of the newspaper business and you are finally taking my advice.  I’m happy for you.”  With that, he rose and embraced me like never before. 

We then took a walk outside, down by the ink-stained printing presses over to the news room and out the door to the smoking area to burn down one last smoky-joe. 

            Many years have passed and much has changed but I still think of Ray often.  I am warmed by the memories of such days gone by.  I am thankful for his lessons and his love.  I credit Ray, in part, for the man I have become today and I am grateful.  My children will be better people because I will pass on many of his lessons. 

            I miss him.  I feel this life has not afforded me enough time to live out all the memories that could have been.  But relationships like this are often not meant to last a lifetime.  Staying true to form, Ray has once again suddenly disappeared from my view, but this time I know exactly where to find him – in my heart.